MY DIARY

Posted last year

• hello world!
  
  and by world, i mean just me for now. im starting this blog because i want to put all my thoughts somewhere permanent but deletable. or, maybe if i become famous someday, ill release it like as a cool easter egg about my life. it might be embarrassing though, idk. website doesnt look like much now but im gonna keep working on it when i have time.
  
  so, onto ~my thoughts~
  it was new years recently and i wanna be a better person this year. i always say that im going to start exercising or read more books or something but my attention span sucks and i hate interacting with the other dudes at the gym. i never do it, or much of anything i guess. but this year i want to have a passion, and a big goal.
  my biggest desire is a girlfriend. if i can get a gf nobody will be able to say shit to me about anything, i swear. it wont matter if i dont work out or that im too dumb to understand the catcher in the rye bc she'll like me anyways.
  
  and, also, they reopened the crappy aparment complex downtown and a new girl moved in and started at the pizza place in town. on the few times i saw her she seems kinda shy. prob will try talking to her next time i order something

Posted 9 months ago

• hello again, me.
  
  ok, so i maybe completely forgot about this place for a while. oops, my bad. it still looks terrible anyways, so i guess its not a loss that i wasnt bothering to look at it. im gonna try and draw some stuff to put on the pages, even if its just for me theres no reason it has to be ugly.
  some updates from the last time, uhhh, i was right in that i wasnt gonna read a book or go to the gym. i didnt do either of those things. and, i also didnt talk to the girl yet. BUT! i found out her name. im not gonna write it here cuz if i never ask her out and show this to my future wife someday she'll be made if it isnt her name lol. anyways, i found out her name, so i tried to find her on instagram but no luck yet.
  
  besides that... i guess ive started arguing with my parents more. its like i moved out and mums still totally obsessed with me. like, yes, im not dead yet, stop bothering me.

Posted 7 months ago

• girlfriend quest is going bad
  
  i finally got a tinder date and she stood me up. other ones just ghost me when i message them or dont even match back. this town is way too small :( i used to e-date but it was just so cringe and they always just wanted money inevitably.
  i havent talked to the pizza girl yet, but ive tried a few times. something about her is just intimidating. its not like shes a supermodel or anything, but whenever i see her she always looks super pissed off when shes at work, even though im pretty sure all she does is cashier. ive walked out without buying anything twice now, but i dont think shes ever even really looked at me, so im not worried about her getting weirded out or anything. i feel like i just need an 'in' besides buying something, like something i can comment on to start a convo or something. its harder that she works at a pizza place. if she was a barista it would be easier. wtf do i say, how do you like pepperoni? want to eat a slice on your break? stupid as fuck.
  
  i just need to figure out more about her before i approach.

Posted 6 months ago

• i started looking into her more
  
  it actually wasnt difficult at all to pull up her instagram after her snapchat popped up as a geographic suggestion. she made them both the same username! i didnt add her on snapchat or anything, she probably wouldnt add me back cuz im a stranger, but the instagram profile was public so i could look at anything i wanted. i made a burner account to follow her just in case she goes private later, and so i can watch her stories without her noticing and it getting back to me. she still doesn't know who i am; i haven't spoken to her yet. but i feel like i know a lot more about her.
  
  there's a ton of pictures of her on here, but not a single one with a guy who isn't related to her. thank god, cuz id kill myself if i asked her out and she told me she already had a boyfriend lmao. its hard enough asking someone out in person without having to worry about that. i wish she'd post less about her outfits and more about her interests, though. i haven't found enough information to feel confident just going up to her and starting a convo about whatever. i wish she was like obsessed with something and i could just show up like wearing merch of it or something and see if she spoke to me first. that would be too easy though, huh?

Posted 4 months and 10 days ago

• not enough info yet :/
  
  instagram and checking in on her workplace isnt doing enough, ive had like 0 progress on that front and ive been following her for what feels like ages now. she has a hot friend that visited this last week and she didnt go to work as frequently during that. its unfortunate. i can tell from the pictures that she isnt as confident as her friend, but i think shes way more girlfriend material. they post together and her friend always has her tits out. i can see why she'd be insecure. i guess im kind of just assuming, but i feel like you can tell by the way she holds herself in the pics, and the way she hypes her friend up. "I WISH I WAS YOUUU" "STEP ON ME!!LOVEEEE" all over her comment section. its dumb. shes prettier than her friend, even if her friend is sexier. id much rather have her. i wish i could tell her that, but thatd be like, harassment. i used one of my burner accounts to send her a compliment and i got blocked instantly, so i wont be trying that again.
  
  its a shame, kinda. part of me is glad she isnt cocky, cuz then id have way less of a chance with her.

Posted 3 months and 5 days ago

• getting closer!
  
  finding her social media was a good step, cuz she posted her mom on her story with a tag, and her profile was full of the cutest cutest kid pics of her! it makes me wonder what our daughter would look like lol. hopefully just like her if it ever got to that, not like me, im ugly as sin compared to her, and i was even uglier as a kid. her mum also had her facebook linked, and had her full name in her instagram bio, so bam, that was wayyy more info. she didn't even try to private anything, its hilarious. some people have fr no regard for privacy.
  
  i think the best find, besides the baby pics, was seeing what high school she went to. turns out, their yearbook is fully online, so i got to look through a whole bunch of stuff. she was in an art club. im an artist too! and band, and i like music. i feel like i know more about her already. id love to introduce her to the kind of stuff i like, now that i know she'll prolly be into it too. i'd show her bands and comics she's never even heard of before.
  
  i started filling out a section on her for a bunch of my interests. if she ever sees any of this i bet it would come in handy, its like a curated list of things i love and want to share just with her.

Posted 3 months and 1 day ago

• she was cute when she was in high school.
  
  cuter now, but im starting to fantasize about what it wouldve been like if id known her back then. everything was easier then, and if we'd had a class together maybe we would've been friends. or, like the clubs she was in that i saw from the yearbook. i wish i could've been there.
  
  her old school had a bunch of instagram accounts for their different class years, and i found my new fave pic of her. the old prom dress account for her class year was never deleted, so i scrolled and i found her pretty quickly. she looked incredible in that dress. if she had a date who got to see her like that, i wanna kill him. at least she doesn't have any pictures from high school on her instagram, so i know if she did he's long out of the question, but i still wonder. i wish id been able to take her. i never went to prom, i thought it was stupid and i didnt have anyone to go with. if she'd been around it wouldve been different, id have done anything to get with a woman like that, even back then. SIGH

Posted 2 months and 17 days ago

• ok, dont call me creepy, but...
  
  i mightve followed her back to her place today. not like, closely, and i obviously didnt go inside, but i did notice her leaving work and i did decide to descreetly follow from a far-off distance, where she couldn't see me and wouldn't get scared. there really wasn't any harm done, and i was just kinda curious because she's new in town. i knew vaguely that she must've come in with the apartment complex reopening, but i don't know, i just needed to see it. she ran into a guy out in from of the building and they seemed friendly, which im not exactly psyched about. but, he looks kind of weird and creepy. his face is kinda sunken, and he didnt look like he'd shaved in a while. i dont know what their relationship is but i cant imagine she'd be into someone who looked like that tbh.
  
  hopefully that friend of hers keeps her standards in check with the dumbass girlboss-retrorict she always spews on her stories lol.. not too high tho, a guy like me still needs an in

Posted 2 months and 4 days ago

• that guy talked to her this morning too.
  
  the dickhead walked her halfway to work. literally wtf. how could she degrade herself by hanging around a piece of shit like that? im pissed tf off. i dont know what i should even do about this, but definitely something before it gets too far. ill have to figure out some shit about him too, now. its such a hassle, and just because this idiot cant keep it in his pants the second a chick talks to him i bet. shes probably just being nice to him because she feels bad or something.

Posted 2 months and 1 day ago

• hes walking her home from work
  
  i tried to be inconspicuous and walk near, and eventually passed by them while they walked like i wasnt listening, but i did manage to hear something. bad and good news. seems like shes just scared cuz she thought someone followed her home from work sometimes, and hes just sometimes walking her because its on his way or something. bad because, oops, guess i was obivous (but she didnt react when i walked by, so she doesnt know its me and im fine) good because, theyre not together. bad that she trusts him, but if i lay low for a bit it will probably stop. i hope at least.
  
  i looked into the guy and he has barely any social media presence, but i did find an instagram with a name and him as the pfp so i think it would be him. who would impersonate a dude like that anyways? so i found his linkedin, and it seems like he works two jobs, and one is as the janitor at the apartment complex. so, thats how they met. i guess he seems trustworthy to her cuz hes older and she probably sees him more often than i thought if hes always around the place. figures. hope he doesnt make a move, but i still think she wouldnt stoop that low.

Posted 29 days ago

• keeping my distance...
  
  i didnt want him walking her everywhere to become a habit, so i havent gone to see her or look for her for the past couple of days. the apartment complex is still in the area i frequent, so i couldnt help but keep my eye out for her, but i didnt see much. im going to check tomorrow to see if shes still relying on him.
  
  i dont even really know why she felt like she needed him in the first place. its not like she noticed me being around, and i know i was the only one around, so why the body guard? maybe she has like a crazy sixth sense or something and could just tell. idk. i have to be more careful regardless, i guess. whatever feeling shes getting thats making her so scared is bullshit. obviously im not going to hurt her, and im making sure nobody else will either, so getting scared is stupid. ugh. i know im blaming her and she doesnt even know whats going on but its frustrating that shes resisting me without even knowing it.
  
  ill just have to hope someday we can laugh about how paranoid she was about all this, together.

Posted 24 days ago

• PHYSICALLY ONLY!!!
  
  im the smarted person alive, just so everyone is aware. i gave her space, physically, but last week i found the perfect solution to her feeling safe and me still getting to keep an eye on her: binoculars! i found the old pair from when i was a kid when i visited my mum last weekend. it was in one of the boxes of shit i still need to go through that i left behind when i moved out lol. but, yeah, binoculars. i cant believe i didnt think of it sooner. theres no way she'll be uncomfortable if im far enough away that she wont ever see me. the downside is that it really narrows my peripherals and i cant really check my surroundings for other people, but that wont be a massive problem if i just use them from my car or at night.
  
  obviously i wont be able to take a picture if she does something cute which is a bummer but... small price to pay if she feels safe & i get to keep an eye out and keep her safe. on top of that, she stopped walking with him as of tuesday. todays thursday, and nothing on him since, so i think she finally gave it up. thank god.

Posted 20 days ago

• taking it a little bit far...
  
  the curiousity got the better of me and i used the binoculars to look into her window. i feel kind of like a pervert, since i initially got them just to keep tabs on her or whatever, but i looked. sue me! i was just so curious. the window faces into her bedroom. i didnt see anything particularly exciting, and more importantly, she didnt see me, but i did notice that shes got a bunch of posters up on the wall opposite the window. i couldnt focus them well enough to see what they were, though, and the glare on the window from the street light really didnt help. i just want to know more about her hobbies, her passions. its seriously frustrating to still be this far away.
  
  more than anything i just want to talk to her, but im honestly just so nervous. i feel like theres never an in. i eat at that shitty pizza place way too often now, just trying to get glimpses of her. its like shes a glazed over robot at work, i can tell she doesnt give a fuck about me and doesnt even recognize me when i come in. not that she'd be able to really get a read on me anyways, im such a pleb that i keep my mask on the whole time and i never take my hood down either. i just dont want to do something stupid and make her hate me before i even get a chance to open my mouth. i feel like shit today.

Posted 17 days ago

• self-care day
  
  i decided to call out today and just stay in my room & work on my interests page. i feel even worse about myself since the last entry because i let my curiousity run even crazier and i actually approached the apartment and looked into the window while she was out. it was an arctic monkeys poster. i literally felt like i could drool when i saw it; i knew she had taste. it felt like everything id fantasized about true about her actually was. it felt incredible. and then i realized that i was fucking looking into her window in broad daylight and literally anyone couldve seen me. what if that guy saw me and warned her or something? what if she got so scared she moved back out of town? she hasnt even been here a year yet, and what if im the jackass that blows it?
  
  so yeah. im an idiot and super gross. whatever. so im focusing on myself for today. im going to start listening to the arctic monkeys more now that i know we share that interest and try to forget about how i found that out. i need some escapism asap

Posted 12 days ago

• feeling better already
  
  good news, i dont want to kill myself anymore. turns out all you need is a couple of days wasting away in front of your computer to feel right-as-rain again. i talked to some of my old buddies on discord & told them about her while we played tf2. theyre all super excited for me and think she'll definitely want to go out with me. i didnt mention that we hadnt really talked yet, but i told them all about the stuff i know about her, and they think we sound like a really good match. ive talked to girls before but never really had a serious, committed relationship. i dont want to sound like 'that guy', but i really dont get why so many girls will just pretend like youre friends when they obviously know you have a thing for them. like, stop asking me to go out and get coffee if youre still uninterested. its stupid. obviously when im asking them out i mean it like a date, but they always try to act dumb when you point it out.
  
  unprovoked rant over lmao. i feel like it'll be different this time around because we wont be friends beforehand, ideally. i want to make my intentions clear within like the first 5 times we meet. that way, she'd definitely not think of me as just a nice dude / customer / however we meet and will think of me as what im displaying for her: a potential boyfriend. if she doesnt want me as that, i dunno what ill do. i guess keep trying until she does.

Posted 10 days ago

• back to normal
  
  everything is, really. even how she's been acting. its like before she ever got that guy to escort her around, shes even started wearing headphones when she walks again, so i know shes more relaxed. its nice, cuz i dont have to be so cautious. ive actually tried walking closer to her recently. we stood at the cross walk near her apartment building together today. when we got up to the building, she held the door open for a second to see if i was also gonna go in. shes so sweet. i pretended not to notice and keep walking so that she wouldnt get suspicious of me. this is the first time shes been nice to me, though, so of course i noticed.
  
  i wonder what the place looks like from the inside, though. i keep thinking about that poster. would it be that bad to look again sometime? nothing happened the first time, so i doubt anything would happen if i did it again.
  
  maybe thats fucked up to consider. i just want to know more

Posted 9 days ago

• today was... fortitous
  
  fortuitous? auto correct says fortuitious but that looks wrong. doenst matter.
  today i decided to do something a little bold... ive generally just observed the apartment building from outside, and yesterday i couldve followed her right in but did the smart thing and kept walking cuz i wouldnt have had any excuse to be in there, but today i saw an opportunity and... i got in there! there was an older lady struggling with her groceries, so i volunteered to carry them for her, and she said yes! so, i literally went into the building. and then, i saw her. she was stepping into the staircase with a thing of laundry in her hands. she didnt see me, but i saw her and she was wearing her pajamas. it was one of those big band shirts. i couldve cried fr, it was perfect. i tried to sneak a pic, ill upload it if any of them came out ok. and then, once i was done helping the older lady with her stuff, i took the elevator down to the basement. i had a feeling that if she had the laundry & she was in her pajamas the machine must be in the building, and yup! it was still in the communal washer, and the only one that was running, too, so i know it was hers. i looked inside it from the clear front, but i couldnt open it without ending the cycle. i took a picture of that too. it just felt right, even if i couldnt make out a ton of stuff in there besides the colors. this is super useful, cuz now if i go to buy her a gift, i can just look at this pic and see what colors she'd like. i wish i'd been able to check the sizes, but again, didn't wanna disrupt the cycle. some of her measurements i think i can safely guess, at least. ugh. this was just such a thrill. im never gonna stop thinking about it, its like im high

Posted 8 days ago

• ive been looking for the brand of laundry detergent she uses
  
  i haven't been able to find it at the nearby drugstore yet, but i should be able to order it online if nothing else. i took note of the bottle and everything, so it shouldnt be too hard. i feel like kind of a freak for being so curious, but if i can get my hands on a bottle of it ill know what she smells like. what her clothes smell like at least. you can tell a lot about a person from the scents they like, i think. i wouldnt have expected her to use lavendar stuff, but i guess it makes sense if youre stressed out or tired a lot of the time to try and use it. its supposed to be soothing or whatever.
  
  she seems tired and stressed out most of the times that i see her. i really wish i could ask whats bothering her, but obviously i can't just walk up and ask that, cuz she doesnt even know me. i do notice it though. i wonder if she talks about it with her friend. her friend is such a nosy bitch i can imagine it would be hard to keep anything hidden. or, maybe shes too prideful to talk about it. maybe she thinks people will think less of her if they can tell how anxious she is. i can tell, cuz ive been watching her for long enough to notice. i wish i could know whats bothering her. what her fears are... she puts on a brave face but doesnt wear her headphones anymore when she leaves work at night, and shes always looking around. i wish i could tell her that i wouldnt let anything happen to her, and that im looking out for her.
  im acting sappy. time to call it a night

Posted 5 days ago

• i couldn't update the last couple of days, cuz ive been busy for once, but something incredible happened today...
  
  she dropped her wallet while she was leaving work. i cant even believe it you guys, but i saw her drop it, and she didnt notice she dropped it, and i was able to get over there and pic it up! i dont know if ive ever been luckier. theres so much in here, i dont even know where to start. im taking pics of everything and ill upload what i can. but, seriously, how is even her signature on the back of her id so cute? maybe its just because i like her so much, but everything is cute. the lanyard she attached her wallet to has miku on it... its dirty, so she mustve had it for a while. its adorable, im so glad we have another thing in common. when i return it, ill have to ask her about it...
  i am so fucking excited to return this thing, even if ill hate to not have it anymore. ill walk right up to her, say, excuse me, but, i found this outside of the place and was wondering.... god shes gonna be so grateful. im disgusting.

Posted 4 days ago

• i havent returned it yet, agonizingly enough, she doesnt work everyday, so even if i wanted to i couldnt.
  
  i thoroughly documented the wallet and everything in it, just so that i wont miss it so bad once its gone, but nothing has been able to keep my mind off of the thought of finally talking to her properly. will she smile when i return it? hold my hand in hers and thank me? i can imagine her face lighting up, the relief on her shoulders once she sees someone found her wallet and that a gentleman is returning it. im literally getting lightheaded thinking about it. i wonder what she'll smell like up close? visually, i can tell a lot about her from far away, but its the little things that i have these frustrating gaps for. X_X
  i hope i dont say anything stupid. it feels like, with all of these happy accidents lately, fate is pushing us together.

Posted 3 days ago

• i returned it.
  
  she had this blank, tired look on her face when i approached the counter. she didnt even smile when she asked what i wanted to order, but it didnt matter. i couldnt keep the grin off my face when i held up her wallet and asked if it was hers. she looked surprised, 'where'd you find that?!', and i told her on the ground outside last night. she looked really confused, and i fumbled a bit and told her that id actually found it the day before but the place was closed so id just decided to bring it by as soon as i went by it again. she seemed to buy that, and took it back from me. our hands touched, and she immediately opened it to check for everything. of course, everything was in there. hopefully as she'd left it, but it didn't matter, cuz she finally smiled and thanked me!! then she made a joke about having been worried she'd have to cancel her card, and i just laughed along. it felt so good. i didnt end up ordering anything besides a water, then i went to the back seating area and watched her for a while. i dont think it was obvious at all, cuz i set up my laptop like i was working, and there were a few other customers who came by. god. im gonna have to talk to her again, i definitely left a good impression by not taking anything out to keep from her wallet.

Posted 2 days ago

• ive been refreshing her page all day and night
  
  she posted about me on her story; said 'a nice guy' returned her wallet. i almost puked. it feels so good to finally get some acknowledgment, some validation from her. its not much but knowing that the first act ive done for her and shes seen went so positively. im on top of the fucking world. she cant possibly say no if i ask her out now, right? and wait until she eventually finds out about all the nice things ive been doing for her all along? she'll love me, she basically has to. haha. im mostly kidding about that part, but she sure as hell better appreciate my efforts.
  
  im gonna make my move soon, i just have to figure out how and when

Posted yesterday

• tips, tricks?
  
  i talked to my friends again and they gave me a couple of ideas on what i should say to her when i go see her next. i guess im going to have to either see her at work or just time running into her when shes leaving. i dont want to freak her out by talking to her at night, though, so maybe afterwards isnt a good idea. i didnt like it so much in the beginning because she seemed to hate it, but now i like that she has a public facing job because its made everything a lot easier for me.
  
  its not romantic to aim for her while shes at work and cant leave, but its really all i can do at this point. i just wonder if its better to just straight up ask her out, or to try to have a conversation first. i dont really know yet, and my friends were kind of divided on that. not that any of them have girlfriends though, theyre just a bunch of dickheads. maybe i should ask my mom about it... feels stupid, but i dont want to mess this up.

Posted 13 hours ago

• i cant sleep
  
  i just want to see her so bad. ive been thinking about what im gonna do nonstop, its making me feel crazy. i havent felt this way since i was in high school. what do i even do?? nothing is helping me calm down. i just keep running through scenarios, thinking of the possible reactions, thinking of what im supposed to say... christ, my search history looks nuts.
  
  what am i supposed to do??

Posted 2 hours ago

• honestly i cant even take it anymore.
  
  i havent been able to sleep right since she talked to me the other day, and i dont want to go another minute without telling her how i feel...
  i've decided that i dont even care what her reaction is, i just have to tell her,i need to see the expression on her face, the surprise, disgust, i dont even care. ive been so good about keeping everything under wraps, ive studied what she likes, im as close to her dream guy as possible. i know she might not want me now, but its almost inconveivable that she'd totally reject me.
  
  if she does, ill just have to figure something else out. ill update later... im really gonna do it!